How to kill a Ronin!
by RobDaZombie
Summary: Keitaro minus immortality equals multiple possible deaths.


Disclaimer: I do not own Love Hina. Contains extreme out of character-ness.

…

_**How to kill a Ronin - by Rdz**_

…

…

**1. Death by Stupidity**

_(just by Hinata-Sou)_

**Haitani: **Hey Keitaro! Dare you to feel Naru's breasts for ten seconds!

**Keitaro: **What?!

**Shirai: **Come on man! I'll give you 4000 yen!

**Haitani: **Yeah! And I'll give you 3000!

**Keitaro: **Alright I'll do it.

_(in the living room… where Naru is resting on the couch.)_

**Keitaro: **Here goes _(slowly places hands on Naru's chest) _one… two… three…

_(Naru instantly wakes up, staring Keitaro straight in the eye. Haitani and Shirai run away with their dear lives)._

**Keitaro: **Naru? Oh… oh dear God! Where did you get that chainsaw from?!

…

**2. Death by Torment**

_(Keitaro and Shinobu are in the kitchen)_

**Keitaro: **Mind if I help you with the cooking Shinobu?

**Shinobu: **I-I'm o-okay senpai.

**Keitaro: **What's up with you? You always seem nervous all the time.

**Shinobu: **N-nothing… really.

**Keitaro: **You're always stuttering as well. Stuttering Shinobu!

**Shinobu: **I can't help it!

**Keitaro: **Is there something wrong?

**Shinobu: **Senpai… … I LOVE YOU!

**Keitaro: **Love me? … … _(bursts out laughing) _Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with a flat chested ten year old vibrating bitch like you?!

**Shinobu: **_(gasps in shock)_

**Keitaro: **Oh yeah and that meal last night… it was so vile I gave it to Tama-chan and even she refused to eat your crap!

_(sounds of repeated stabbings with a kitchen knife…)_

**Kaolla Su: **Hey Shinobu when's food ready? … …Why is ketchup coming out of Keitaro's mouth?

…

**3. Death by Katana**

**Keitaro: **Hey, I found a piece of string. Hmm appears to be connected to something. _(repeatedly pulls string)_. Wow! This string is really long now! Wonder where it leads to…

_(a short while later…)_

**Motoko: **Urashima! What the hell are you doing?!

**Keitaro: **Huh? Oh I've just been pulling this string for some time now. Oh… I found the source! Motoko! The string was attached to your kendo outfit! Um… where is your kendo outfit? Oh of course! All that string used to be your clothing! It all makes sense now!

**Motoko: **Naru can you hand me my sword please?

**Naru: **_(hands the sword over)_

**Motoko: **Thank you.

_(scene deleted)_

…

**4. Death by Present**

**Kaolla Su: **Happy birthday Keitaro! _(gives present to Keitaro)_

**Keitaro: **Wow! Thanks Su-chan! _(listens inside present) _hmm… sounds like a ticking noise…

**Naru: **Oh my bloody God! Everyone! Get out quick!

_(all the girls run out of Hinata-Sou)_

**Keitaro: **Maybe it's an alarm clock or something…

…

**5. Death by Aunty**

**Keitaro: **Hey Aunt Haruka!

**Haruka: **_(SLAP) _I told you not to call me that.

**Keitaro: **Okay how about Miss Haruka?

**Haruka: **_(SLAP) _I don't like to be reminded I'm single.

**Keitaro: **Okay how about Mrs Haruka?

**Haruka: **_(SLAP) _That's a lie.

**Keitaro: **What about just Haruka?

**Haruka: **_(SLAP) _Oh? So I'm not even worthy of a title now?

**Keitaro: **You know what? Screw this! You are my aunt, so I'm gonna call you Aunt Haruka! Aunty Aunt Haruka!

**Haruka: **_(decapitates nephew with fan)_

…

**6. Death by Driving**

**Keitaro: **Okay everyone. I'm off to take my driving lessons. _(walks outside)_

**All the girls: **Okay, bye!

**Seta: **Hi Keitaro. I'm Seta, your driving instructor for today.

**Keitaro: **This van doesn't look safe…

**Seta: **Trust me…

_(ten minutes later)_

**News Bulletin: **Tragic news hits Toudai today. A white van has fatally collided into a speeding train just ten minutes ago. Some witnesses said that the van was exceeding over 150 miles per hour. So far police have managed to locate four fingers, a limb, what looks like a disfigured head in shock and two pairs of spectacles.

…

**7. Death by Apology**

**Keitaro: **Listen Naru I'm really sorry.

**Naru: **What for?

**Keitaro: **I killed Tama-chan. I stepped on him while he was sleeping.

**Naru: **Well these things happen.

**Keitaro: **And last night I got drunk and slept with Mutsumi and Kitsune… and I think Shinobu was there too.

**Naru: **As long as you learned your lesson…

**Keitaro: **Also last week I wrote in your diary 'I'M A SLUT' on every page.

**Naru: **We all go through different phases.

**Keitaro: **And… I got a question wrong in my mock exams.

**Naru: **WHAT?!? YOU MORON! Su where's that plasma cannon?

**Kaolla Su: **Right here!

**Keitaro: **_(gulp)_

…

**8. (Near) Death by Twister**

_(all the residents are playing a game of twister. Kitsune spins the spinner)._

**Kitsune: **Okay Keitaro your turn! Right hand on left breast!

**Keitaro: **Righto! _(places his right hand on Motoko's left breast) _Wait a minute. Something's not right here.

**Kitsune: **_(giggles)_

_(one hospital trip later)_

**Doctor: **This is astonishing. I've never had a patient with 179 broken bones in his body.

…

**9. Death by Cooking**

_(Shinobu is sick tonight so Keitaro and Kaolla Su have elected to cook instead)_

**Keitaro: **Well… that's all the chips sorted out. Damn, look at this mess I've made. I've got cooking oil all over my clothes… and it's all on the floor too.

**Kaolla Su: **Hey Keitaro check this out! I can juggle twenty lit matches at a time!

_(distinct sound of pants being peed into)_

…

**10. Death by Mutsumi**

**Mutsumi: **_(enters Hinata-Sou) _Aaah!It really feels refreshing after a nice hot springs bath!

**Keitaro: **_(collapses in a dead faint)_

**Naru: **Um Mutsumi? After you've finished you're supposed to put your clothes back on…

…

…

_(authors note: I copied the idea from the author R Little Dragon who did a similar thing with his novel how to kill a wizard from baldurs gate 2. It's just some silly thing I've done in my spare time, please don't be offended.)_


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